WarpedMind

First order of business is to hand out the Warpy Quarky awards for the recent Minnesota Wild games.

A Top Quark goes to Josh Harding for his stellar performance against the St. Louis Blues.  Niklas Backstrom might be a little better goalie in the overall scheme of things, but Harding is a real monster when it comes to shootout time.  Speaking of shootouts, the Brent Burns goal was a real thing of beauty, definitely worthy of a Top Quark.  For once, the TV commentators don't go overboard in their homerism when they talk about the blossoming skills he keeps bringing to the table.  A final Top Quark goes to Pierre-Marc Bouchard for his continuing two-way excellence.  Martin Skoula owes Bouchard a big steak dinner for bailing him out late in Sunday's game; Skoula was about to cough up the puck in front of the crease with another one of his patented Bozo plays, but #96 swooped in to cover his back and take the puck out of harm's way.

Up Quarks go to Nik Backstrom for reverting back to the rock-solid play that Wild fans have grown accustomed to, and to Nick Schultz for his usual steady, solid and physical defensive play.  Martin Skoula gets the Down Quark for playing the puck instead of man in the third period against the Dallas Stars, allowing Niklas Hagman to undress him with the move that potted the only goal of the game.  The main reason Skoula doesn't get a Bottom Quark for his bumbling play in this game is that it's hard to pin the loss on one defenseman when the entire offense lays a goose egg for the game.  Skoula's play has also improved enough over the last few weeks (I can't believe I just said that:) to take him out of the warped doghouse -- his play has gone from godawfully brutal to downright mediocre, leaving Kim Johnsson as the prime candidate to accumulate a string of Bottom Quark Warpys in the near future.

The Bottom Quark goes to the officiating crew for Sunday's Red Wings tilt against the Ducks.  There were enough bad calls in both directions to keep everyone in a foul mood, but the Wings got the royal hose job on that non-goal in the final seconds.  As much as I still detest the Wings for their Rent-A-Campbell-Conference-All-Star technique of building buying a Stanley Cup championship team, they got shafted big time on that call.  That would give the Charmed Quark to the Anaheim Ducks for picking up a gift extra point in the standings.  Come to think of it, the Ducks have been on a charmed run for quite some time now, between all the non-calls and wimpy suspensions their players get wrist-slapped with after engaging in their goon tactics.

The Strange Quark has to go to Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens for their whole sordid affair (and to Congress for wasting its time investigating same).  On second thought, I should give Congress an Up Quark for this -- the more time they waste on baseball's problems, the less time they'll have to screw up the economy, the deficit, Iraq, Afghanistan, and all the other wonderful legacies of the Bush administration.  It's revealing to note that the Clemens camp is questioning what McNamee was doing hanging on to needles, vials and gauze pads all this time -- one would expect an innocent man to demand a DNA test on said items to exonerate him once and for all, but the Rocket Team appears content to take shots at the character and intentions of his former trainer, rather than trying to find out whose DNA is on the stuff or how it got there.  Hmmmmmm...

quando omni flunkus moritati

What a game!  The Minnesota Wild spent the first two periods demonstrating they can play with -- and outplay -- any team in the NHL when they have their A-game going.  They then spent the third period in defensive shell mode, allowing the Detroit Red Wings to demonstrate what their A-game is capable of.  The Wild buzzed the net and put on sustained offensive pressure time and again during the first 40 minutes, earning several richly deserved standing Os from the sellout crowd.  The good guys also put on a fine display of physical play, frustrating the Wings into taking some uncharacteristic penalties.  Alas, the third period was all Red Wings, as Jacques Lemaire, either by action or by inaction, allowed the Wild to spend the last 20 minutes doing little else aside from trying to keep the best team in hockey off the scoreboard.  Needless to say, once the Wild abandoned the style of play that got them the lead, the Wings pulled themselves off the ropes and gratefully collected a win that had the Wild's name on it all night.  And now, for the new Warpy Quark Awards, which like their namesakes come in several different flavors..

The Top Quark Warpy of the night goes to Nick Schultz.  If we had three blueliners like him and three like Brent Burns, this team would be scary.  Schultzie played his usual game: no spectacular plays made by #55, but definitely no good plays made by any opponent in his neighborhood.  This guy just doesn't enough credit, although Lemaire does at least have enough smarts to put the captain's "C" on the right player.  Schultz and Burnsie -- who gets the Up Quark award -- continue to be the only defensemen to regularly play the man and exact a physical toll on the opposition.  Keith Carney has his Schultz-like moments, and Kurtis Foster has some Burns-like moments, while the other four blueliners do little other than take up a roster spot.

The Down Quark award goes to Kim Johnsson.  Once again, #5 spent most of the game showing off his lack of checking ability, and put on yet another aggravating display of lousy positioning by assuming a statuesque, Skoula-like pose in the faceoff circle while the Wings potted the tying goal.  And once again, Johnsson did the impossible by making Martin Skoula look good in comparison.  Therefore, the only logical candidate for the Bottom Quarky is Jacques Lemaire.  If he spent the second intermission talking the Wild into the third period defensive shell, he made one of the dumbest calls in NHL history: if he didn't call for the shell, he certainly did nothing in the third period to get the boys moving.  In either case, the Wings comeback boils down to bad coaching by the Wild, who almost pulled of the near-impossible feat of shutting out the Wings for an entire third period, until Lemaire made yet another dildaphonic coaching move by putting his two worst defensemen on the ice for crunch time.  When will this guy ever figure out that #5 and #41 have no business being on the ice at the same time, let alone having both of them out there when the game is on the line?

The Charmed Quark award goes to Domink Hasek, who made enough stellar saves to keep the game from getting out of hand in the early going, thereby giving the Wings a chance to make their comeback.  The most crucial save he made was the metallurgy save he got on a shot that had him beaten cleanly, and would've given the Wild a two goal lead at a crucial point in the game.  The Strange Quark has got to go to the Channel 45 homer commentators, who spent the game "highlighting the physical play of Martin Skoula".  To his credit, Skoula did play a decent game last night, and even threw a couple of good checks (which oughta make for a year's supply of highlights at the rate #41 throws 'em around:)

Bottom line: the Wild took it to the Red Wings big time for two periods, playing arguably their finest hockey of the season.  It's a crying shame that Lemaire wasted this brilliant effort and cost the team a valuable point in the standings.  On the plus side, if the Wild's play tomorrow night gets anywhere near the level to which they played last night, the Dallas Stars are in a whole heap of trouble.  Go Wild!!!

quando omni flunkus moritati

Finally, the Wild win a game in cruising style, sparing the fingernails and blood pressures of edgy fans.  In some ways, the 5-1 win over the Ducks wasn't as impressive as it looks on paper.  In other ways, it was even more impressive.

Brian Rolston, Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Mikko Koivu and Marian Gaborik all had nice performances, but my Warpy award for the game goes to Pavol Demitra.  Pav was all over the ice Wednesday night, setting up helpers on offense, and doing more than his usual share of coming back on defense.  Jacques Lemaire has got to be pleased with performances like this from his forwards.  Lemaire called out guys like Pav and Gabby a while back for their lack of two-way play -- a justified position in my book -- but if he's going to call them out in the press when they're not performing to expectations, he oughta be consistent and give 'em props in same media when they do respond with games like they've been playing recently.  Failing to do so will just make the tactic less effective next time he decides to push the same buttons.

The big Un-Warpy of the night goes to Kim Johnsson.  Johnsson did the impossible on Wednesday: making Martin Skoula look good.  Why Lemaire would pair the two worst defensemen on the team together as a tandem is beyond me.  Why he would do it when the Wild are already a man down is even more of a mystery.  Johnsson virtually singlehandedly cost Niklas Backstrom a shutout; his trademark turnover pass (on a penalty kill at that, and with plenty of time to clear the puck to boot) gave the Ducks a bonus minute of power play pressure with no chance to change players, and his poor positioning at the end of the shift gave Corey Perry an easy shot right in the slot.  The penalty killers were no doubt gassed by then, but they can thank #5 for robbing them of the chance to get fresh legs out there when the opportunity presented itself.  By default, that would make Lemaire eligible for a dishonorable mention award for insisting on giving Johnsson and Skoula Laurel and Hardy so much ice time.  One other Un-Warpy has to go to the Ducks for a singularly uninspired performance.  The guys clearly did not come ready to play hockey Wednesday night, and stayed flat-footed through most of the game.  Jean-Sebastien Giguere was the only Duck who showed any fire, and it took getting yanked from the game for him to do that.  The Ducks' lack of interest was no more apparent than in the final period, when they couldn't even work themselves up into a foul enough mood to engage in the usual chippy play and cheap shots they're known for when they get involved in a lopsided game.  To their credit, the Wild took advantage of the situation and gratefully collected two easy points in the standings.

Bottom line: the lethargic play of the Ducks makes the Wild victory less impressive than the 5-1 final would indicate -- it was far from the "perfect game" suggested in the papers.  On the other hand, the Wild only mustered up a couple dozen shots themselves, but managed to hit paydirt on five of them.  To put it in football terms, this was a fairly dull game where both teams had a handful of trips in the red zone, but the Wild cashed their trips in for touchdowns whereas the Ducks settled for one field goal on their drives.  The end result was a game decided by the halfway point.  I could get used to nice, boring wins -- boring is good.  Go Wild!!