WarpedMind

premature articulations:

Unreal.  The Minnesota Wild outplay, outskate, outhit and out-everything but score the Colorado Avalanche, and find themselves in a 0-1 hole.  For all the talk of Chris Simon or Derek Boogaard giving Ian Laperriere a free education in the unwritten code of hockey conduct, the Wild enforcers looked like the Charlestown Chiefs in the first period of their final game, playing "old time hockey" ala Reggie Dunlop before learning that NHL scouts are in the stands with contracts in their pockets.  The end result was not unlike getting a big burger, mostly bun.  All is not lost, though: the good guys played well enough to win more than their share of the next six games if they can duplicate last night's effort.

Speaking of good, bad and ugly, it's time for the Warpy Quark awards.

dangling subatomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Jose Theodore almost singlehandedly won the game for the Avs in the first two periods.  The Wild threw a lot of rubber at him (some of the shots were even good, but more on that later) but couldn't get anything by him early.  Had they been able to do so, the fans would've blown the roof off the X, and the Avs would've gotten a case of tight sphincters worse than the Rockies did in last year's World Series.

Up Quark(s):  First Up Quark goes to the Avs offense for making the most of the handful of chances they got to light the lamp.  Martin Skoula gets an Up Quark for some superb defensive play (especially in in the first period) though he'll also get a Down Quark for some not so great play in the second.  Petteri Nummelin also gets an Up Quark for an admirable job filling in for Nick Schultz.  The gossip vine has #33 already signed to play in Europe next year, which is too bad because we could use all the help we can get on D for the next few seasons, unless Doug Risebrough pulls a monster trade out of some nether orifice.

Down Quark(s):  The Dildaphonic Duo strikes again.  Martin Skoula gets a downer for his defense (or lack therof) on Ryan Smyth's power play goal.  I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish by standing motionless with his back turned to Smyth while the latter was camped in front of the crease (though it did make for a kinky looking sandwich).  Niklas Backstrom gets a delayed Up Quark for not going postal on #41, or at least saying to him "hey man, if you're not gonna defend this dude in front of me, how 'bout making yourself useful somewhere else?"  It's a shame this non-play ended up being so costly, because Skoula otherwise played an exceedingly good game.

Kim Johnsson (the other half of the Dildaphonic Duo, as if you didn't already know) gets the other downer for his lazy excuse of a defensive play on the first Avs goal: I haven't seen a lamer looking wave of the stick since a steroidless Rondell White batted cleanup for the Twins.  I've long since given up thinking that Johnsson will ever learn to play the man on defense -- though that shouldn't be asking too much for 4+ mill a year -- but you'd think the guy would at least try to get in a guy's way once in a while.  Nope, not Mr. "if I touch another guy, people will think I'm gay" Johnsson.

Bottom Quark(s):  No doubt about it: Jacques Lemaire has to get the Bottom Quark for last night's game.  It's safe to assume that J-L put the reins on Simon or Boogaard in the early going, thereby missing an opportunity to engage in some manly intimidation and show everyone who was boss.  The game plan of constant perimeter play also left a lot to be desired (if this wasn't the game plan, J-L still gets the Bottom Quark for not doing something about it).  I'm tired of seeing all of our speed players' talents being wasted with constant cycling on the back wall, with no bodies in front of the net to receive a pass even if all the cycling works.  Almost every time a Mark Parrish or Todd Fedoruk get in front of the crease, the Wild get quality scoring chances -- unfortunately, this sort of play seems to be the exception rather than the rule, at least judging by the amount of time I see the Wild with nobody inside the freaking faceoff dots while in the offensive zone.

Strange and Charmed Quark(s):  The officiating last night definitely calls for a Strange Quark.  The Wild must've had a Charmed Quark in their pockets, because the Marble Theory of penalty calling never quite kicked in to even out the power play chances.  Not that I'll ever complain when the good guys get to hog the power plays -- unless of course they decide to keep the puck along the sideboards even with the extra man, which appeared to be the strategy last night.

post-dramatic syndrones:

And in Kihnclusion:  Despite all the negativity of today's post, the Wild played a pretty darn good game last night: they dominated in every measureable category (even faceoffs, which is no mean feat against the Avs) except the scoreboard.  Way more often than not, a team who does this will also end up dominating the scoreboard, so if the Wild can play the next four or five games like they did last night, I love our chances.  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's hairs...

If my wife to be or not be is watching, String Theory is a Group of Lies.  For the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, keep your stick on the ice, and remember:  if you hear someone shout "that check's no good!" you're either at a cash-only establishment, or you're watching Kim Johnsson play hockey.

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The Minnesota Wild checklist:  1) Get into the NHL playoffs.  Check.  2) Win the division and get at least a #3 seed.  Completed -- on budget and ahead of schedule.  3) Utilize control of playoff destiny to let the Colorado Avalanche get the #6 seed, forcing the perennial Wild killing Calgary Flames and San Jose Sharks to engage each other in the first round.  Once again, mission accomplished.  Boo-yah!!

The Bush administration checklist:  1) Win the war on terror.  Mission accomplished if you're on the side of the terrorists: George Dubya has done more to attract recruits to Al Qaida and boost their cause than Osama Bin Laden could possibly have dreamed of doing on his own.  New recruits can even get real, hands-on, live combat training at the expense of our troops thanks to this administration's uncanny ability to create new terror threats where none existed before 9/11.  Bin Laden may be one of the few people sad to see Bush go.

2) Operation Iraqi Freedom.  Way behind schedule, way over budget, and no end in sight.  Granted, the situation probably isn't as bad as the media here says it is, but it's probably close -- especially in areas with light US presence.  And to think that an administration official was asked to quit his job shortly after the war started for daring to think the war might cost up to $85 billion; Dubya's cherry picking cronies insisted the job could be done for about half that cost.  Great call.  Now it'll take at least three generations of taxpayers to pay for this administration's mistakes.

3) If Dubya didn't learn anything else from his old man, you'd think he'd at least remember: "it's the economy, stupid!"  The Republican tax cuts that were supposed to pump our economy into the stratosphere sure aren't working.  No doubt these are golden years for Fortune 500 executives and fat cats with stock in Big Oil, but most everyone else is waiting to see what good comes from anything touched by Bush's decision making.  Eight years later, most of us are still waiting.  Needless to say, most of us are also eagerly awaiting the chance to vote out any idiot in Washington who thinks that making Republican tax cuts (or anything else from this disatrous time in our history) permanent would be a good thing.

OK, enough of the politicking -- it's hockey time, which means another dose of the Warpy Quarky awards.

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Top Quark:  Pavol Demitra.  A couple of nice assists is just what the doctor ordered as the Wild head into the playoffs.  With Marian Gaborik showing signs of getting on a goal scoring roll, this is the perfect time for #38 to start heating up again.  Pav's defensive play hasn't been all that shabby lately, either.  Jacques Lemaire would be well advised to keep these boys together through the playoffs, and keep Todd Fedoruk out there with them to watch their backs when he's not setting up goalie screens.

Up Quark(s):  Gotta give local homeboy Mark Parrish a call for getting back into the lineup and doing what he does best: hanging around the crease, distracting goalies, taking a lot of punishment, and shoveling a garbage goal into the net.  Beautiful hockey!!  Fedoruk has also been making a habit of this style of play lately, and his recent increase in scoring is no coincidence.  If the Wild can get their other big guys to do the same, opposing goalies and defensemen will have to pay a lot more attention to them; this would effectively rob the other team of their ability to clamp down the defensive sphincters against our speed guys.  Watching film of yesterday's Red Wings game will give the good guys a free lesson on how to execute this style: the Wings almost always parked a guy in front of the crease once they got the puck in the offensive zone, and the Black Hawks had a miserable time of it all day long.

Down Quark(s):  There's not much to get down on when a game is as cleanly and well played as it was yesterday.  The closest candidate would be Josh Harding for letting in a couple of bad angle shots on the short side, but this could've been part of the master plan to let the Avs get the #6 seed without making it look too obvious:)  Harding did make several sharp saves on other scoring chances, so we'll give him a mulligan for yesterday's performance.  A Down Quark is also in order for the Wild's shootout techniques.  The shooters oughta watch how the Avs do it: make a quick move or two, pick a spot, and let 'er rip.  The longer one holds the puck and gets in tight, the more it favors the goalie to just plop into the butterfly and let the puck hit him somewhere.

Bottom Quark:  This game was about to go Bottom Quark-free until Ian Laperriere's Bush League antics in the final minute.  Even Claude Lemieux would've showed more class than that once a game no longer had anything at stake.  The Wild need to send a message to the Avs and the rest of the NHL early in the playoffs that cheap hits to skill players in violation of the unwritten Code of Conduct will result in a heavy penalty.  I can see Derek Boogaard and Chris Simon engaging in serious negotiations for the privilege of being first one to teach Laperriere the proper rules of etiquette.

Strange Quark:  The Wild get this one for making it look like they were trying to actually win the game yesterday.  When the Wild went up 2-1 and Harding started stonewalling everyone and everything in sight, I kept yelling "whaddya doing?!  You've gotta let a couple of those in, man!"  Luckily, all's well that ends well, and the game ended almost exactly according to the warped script (it wouldn't have hurt to win in OT just to throw in the proverbial exclamation point to the season) so the good guys also pick up the Charmed Quark.

post-dramatic syndrones:

And in Kihnclusion:  An OT win yesterday would've really put the Avs into a "we just can't beat these guys" funk.  Now, warped minds see the game going six fairly interesting games before the good guys prevail, whereas sticking the OT dagger in yesterday would've had 'em strugging to avoid an embarassingly boring sweep.  At any rate, it sure is nice to know that either the Sharks or the Flames will be history before round 2 kicks in.  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's hairs...

If my wife to be or not be is watching, that nice lady was just keeping your side of the bed warm for ya until ya got home.  Nothing more to it.  Honest.  Who are you going to believe?  Me, or your lying eyes?  For the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, keep your stick on the ice, and remember:  if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck but runs like a chicken, it's probably Ian Laperriere.

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The Minnesota Wild winning the Northwest division was as inevitable as Tom Reid faking Ken Dryden out of his jockstrap on a penalty shot... as inevitable as the Wild getting the short end of the officiating... as inevitable as a Cincinnati Bengal getting arrested... OK, maybe not quite that inevitable.  What a win last night!  It's good to see the Wild vault their way into the playoffs and grab the division title with impressive wins, rather than waiting for other teams to help them out.  Now, other teams are the ones saying "uh-oh, I hope we don't have to play those guys in the first round!"  Without further adieu, let's go to the Warpy Quarky awards.

dangling subatomic participles:

Top Quark for Friday's tilt goes to Marian Gaborik for another fine performance.  As I said in my last blog entry, Gabby tends to score in bunches, so this is the perfect time to see #10 get on a roll.  I love it when players make me look smart for a change:)  A huge Up Quark goes to Todd Fedoruk for yet another fine game.  #17 is becoming a frequent customer in front of the net these days, doing an excellent impression of Mark Parrish earlier in the season when #21 was the only guy who'd regularly play inside the faceoff dots in the offensive zone.  If the Wild can get Fedoruk, Parrish, Boogaard, Voros and Simon to make a habit out of loitering in front of the net, there'll be a lot of goalies in a miserable mood before these playoffs are done.  As a free bonus, those guys will command enough attention in front of the net to cut down on the number of defenders available to chase the Gaboriks, Demitras, Koivus and Bouchards of the world.  It's too bad that J-L hates firewagon hockey so much, because the Wild have more than their share of speedy players.

Another huge Up Quark goes to Brent Burns for once again sticking up for an abused teammate.  The only drawback with Burnsie fighting (even though he's good at it and jacks the building up every time he goes) is having one of our top blueliners out for 5+ minutes.  In last night's case, though, at least he took Dion Phaneuf with him, so it was a fair exchange.  Besides, that punk had it coming to him.  If the rest of the NHL hasn't already figured it out, they're about to find out the hard way that it'll be a while before the Wild can be bullied or pushed around again like they were last year.  One more Up Quark is in order for Jacques Lemaire's 500th win behind the bench.  I've commented on his coaching style before (mostly unfavorably) and will no doubt comment on it some more in the future, but today he gets a tip of the cap and hearty congratulations.

Bottom Quark goes to the officiating crew.  That was a badly called game all around last night.  The non-calls weren't too hot, either.  There wasn't much to hand out in the way of Down Quarks for the game: the only candidate I can think of is Brent Burns and Nick Schultz (particularly the latter) being less than ideally positioned on the Flames' scoring play.  I almost never see #55 do anything bad, so we'll give him a downer today so people don't accuse me of having a man crush on him.  Strange Quark goes to the replay review that should've confirmed the goal that wasn't, but still got it wrong -- the NHL regulars must've been on vacation and gotten some NFL dudes to fill in for them.  The Flames get the Charmed Quark for being on the receving end of the Marble Theory of refereeing.

post-dramatic syndrones:

Bottom line: the Wild took care of business at home and finally answered opportunity's knock with authority.  Now the good guys have the luxury of being able to loaf on Sunday and make like the Indianapolis Colts in a season-ending game with nothing to play for (except, perhaps *cough* help the Avalanche get 6th seed:)  The way the Wild are playing now, they can probably handle any team that has to play them at the X, but it sure would be nice to start the playoffs with a confidence building creampuff like the Avs.  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's hairs...

If my wife to be or not be is watching, "I'm all in" doesn't mean what you think it does when we're playing cards.  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: if it looks like a Duck and quacks like a duck but fights like a chicken, it's probably Dion Phaneuf.