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Updated July 3
Close call last week. Hate Mail nearly met its demise. No, I wasn't sick or dying. Nothing as frivolous as that.
This was much more serious.
So let's not take Hate Mail for granted ever again, OK?
From: Chris H.
So I come home from a long day at work looking forward to reading the only thing that brings me joy on Thursday, and all I see in the "columns" section is a pair of articles written by two guys named Scott. One, Scott Miller, looks like a spokesman for the Hair Club for Men. And the other, Scott White, looks like he just graduated from the eighth grade. Where the hell is Hate Mail? You really should warn people when you go on vacation.
You assume I was on vacation. It's possible my absence was due to the fact that I was fired, and that I appealed through the union, won a temporary injunction and now am back writing, tenuously, on a day-to-day basis until I screw up the unfair terms of my employment probation. Hypothetically.
From: Bill
Hate Mail always cracks me up, but this retort -- Your name is an anagram for A Ho Ho's Jism -- left me in tears.
And if I had been almost fired, hypothetically, that anagram would have been the culprit. But what a way to go.
From: Deacon Greg
Just dropping a line to call out the fact you're a slack f---er. Best I can tell, June 18 was your last submission of any type. What. The. F---.
I'm a slack ... faker? But if "fake" is the word you meant to write, that would make your final few words, "What. The. Fake." That doesn't sound right. Let me count those dashes again. Let's see: F-dash-dash-dash-er. So it's 'f' and then three letters and then "er." That means you're calling me a ... oh. Right.
From: Deacon Greg
Vacation? Even if that's the case, how freaking hard is it to read a few e-mails, type up a few responses, and send the damn thing in? One of your readers even typed a paint-by-the-numbers Hate Mail template for you a while back. Get off your freaking ass, go look it up, and follow it. Jesus.
Even though I was the author of this semi-attack piece on religion, I cannot endorse the use of the Lord's name in vain. It makes me queasy. Unless you were using the word "Jesus" to describe me. As in, I am I Am. That also would make me queasy. But I could get used to it.
From: CT Hoosier
Enough of the NBA already. If you write, say or think of Kobe, you better be sitting in an over-priced Japanese restaurant.
I could order an entire Asian meal off the Lakers' roster: I'll have my Phil of the Kobe steak, steamed rice-a-Ronny and a side of Kung-Pau noodles. Make those Kung-Pau noodles soft and useless, please.
From: CT Hoosier
Please don't publish Hate Mail this week. Writing about the NBA makes you irrelevant, and in no way have you earned the right to enjoy the best part of the week.
You don't like the NBA? Fine. But how can you not enjoy all of my gratuitous shots at Pau Gasol? I've enjoyed them immensely. My left forearm is now thicker than my right.
From: Brian Ferraro
Wow, Gregg, very insightful. You really have this NBA thing figured out. Seriously, has anyone ever been so wrong in the history of sports? Please, do yourself a favor and give up your profession.
A few more comments about the size of my forearms, and I might not have a choice.
From: Cory
You are dumb. O.J. Mayo is exactly like Vince Carter. Ticket seller? Yes. But it's all about making your team better, you idiot.
You suck at arguing, you know that? Because if O.J. Mayo is as good as Vince Carter, you lose and I win.
From: Ben Fletcher
Usually agree with you, but Mayo will not get much better in the NBA. He simply does not make the other players on his team better. Mayo is Kobe-lite; he needs a young Shaq on his team and then some.
Again ... if you're right -- if Mayo is Kobe-light -- I win. Because Derrick Rose isn't as good as Vince Carter, and he'll never be Kobe-light. Next?
From: Dave Gates
Congratulations, Doyel. You have single-handedly taken stupidity to a whole new level with your moronic, asinine comments about Mayo and the rest of the 2008 NBA draft class. Until now, no one has been stupid enough to make the statements you have.
I'm a rebel. I'm a free thinker. Plus sometimes I'm just a little bit smarter than everybody else.
From: Union Mailman
When are you fighting next? And where?
Thank you for asking. I'm not sure about my future boxing plans, but I was wondering how I could work it into Hate Mail that I fought Saturday night and finished off my bigger, younger, (formerly) undefeated opponent in the third round. I'm now 3-0 (2 KO).
From: Ford R.
OK, seriously, you have one job in this world: Make friggin' sure that Hate Mail is up by the time I return from lunch on Thursday. I thought even a forlorn epigone like you could handle that simple task. I should've known better. On another note, despite how little I think of your athletic ability (you suck) and how highly I think of your writing potential (you don't suck as badly as Freeman), you might just be an average boxer. I, along with everybody else who would love to see you get pounded and/or defenestrated, would love to see it. YouTube. Work on it. Thanks.
Maybe some day. I'm trying to turn pro as a boxer. Don't tell anyone, though. It's a secret.
From: Steve
I am huge fan of yours, but I'm not with you on this LeBron column, Gregg. If you love Ohio, since that's where you're from, fine. If you don't like NYC for whatever reason, also fine. But please. Please don't tell us LeBron won't opt out in 2010 to play for the Knicks or Nets because he has everything in Cleveland he could have in New York. That's just laughable. He's gone, so enjoy him while you can, because that "Cavs 23" jersey will be a throwback in two years.
Hmm. I think we agree on something: I'm a huge fan of mine, too.
From: Andy
Listen, I understand where you're coming from with your article on LeBron. But I don't think The World's Most Famous Arena is in Ohio -- or anywhere but New York.
The Garden is a dump. Just thought you should know.
From: Jordan
Best Hate Mail Response Ever: Your name is an anagram for A Ho Ho's Jism. Nice work.
I still can't believe it got past my editors. They read Hate Mail more closely than anything we produce all week, I assure you.
From: Dan
The first time I read Hate Mail, I thought to myself, "What an ass." Then I read it the next week and thought to myself, "He really enjoys potty humor." But did I stop? No. I kept reading, and then you gave me this nugget: Your name is an anagram for A Ho Ho's Jism. I've now decided you're a potty-mouth genius ass. Or something like that. Keep it up.
Keep WHAT up?
From: Raymond I. Schuck
If you have a moment, I'd like you to read this website. Thanks.
Raymond I. Schuck, Ph.D.
Instructor, Department of Interpersonal Communication
School of Communication Studies
Bowling Green State University
I read it. You seem like a smart guy, Ray, but your pursuit of flagellation is staggering. Why would you come back here and sign your full name -- thanks for the middle initial -- along with your degree and looooong title? If you want me to speak to your class, just ask. Students love me.
From: Steve Gauerke
Just read your oft-vilified article about Christian athletes calling attention to their faith and so forth, and the Hate Mail that followed. Well done. For one thing, you're absolutely correct; Luther owns Calvin. For that matter, I'd take him against just about any religious figure, Norse gods excepted. Have you noticed it doesn't end with athletes, either? To paraphrase P.J. O'Rourke, writing about Christian rock bands: I didn't see an album titled "I Found God and Lost My Talent," but I'm sure that was just an oversight.
P.J. O'Rourke is a sellout. One minute he's a hippy, the next he's voting Republican. I bet he eats watercress, that meandering wimp.
From: Rocco
Did you ban me from Hate Mail, Doyel? I know I set you straight a few times, but I thought you could take it.
Oh, I can take it. Keep it coming, Rocco. I'm not afraid of you.
From: Rocco
You may want to hide the archived joint about how Phil Jax is the greatest coach in NBA history.
This is exactly the kind of snide crap that'll get you banned, Rocco.
From: CT Hoosier
Would it be too much of a security risk for you to announce in advance which sporting events you plan on attending?
I plan to be at UFC 87. Anyone has something to say to me, they can say it to Brock Lesnar's face.
From: James Corey Stackhouse
As the greatest living sports writer on the planet, and a bit of a pervert, I know you must have a lot of pull at CBS. I've recklessly disregarded my New Mexico Bar Exam studies this week to fly to New York for the two Pearl Jam shows at MSG. I've got a free extra ticket to Wednesday's show for whoever can get me into the NBA Draft Thursday night to watch, not actually be drafted.
This is what happens when I get suspended go on vacation for a week. I miss out on a Pearl Jam concert. Life is so cruel.
From: Burton DeWitt
Two things today. One, since he has given up the nickname, can I now be called Burton Pacman DeWitt when I make it into Hate Mail? Two, last night I figured out the meaning of the universe. Given: Gregg Doyel is greater than Gary Parish AND Gregg Doyel is greater than Mike Freeman. Now, if we take the assumed postulate that Gregg Doyel=God and Gary Smith is greater than Gregg Doyel due to his greater number of awards, then we can prove that Gary Smith is greater than God. That's some dangerous thinking, but it may just actually be the key to the universe. On the other hand, we can prove that God is greater than Gary Parrish and Mike Freeman. That shouldn't be surprising, but now logic agrees, so it's official. However, we are still left at a loss as to which of Parrish or Freeman is better. I am working on a theorem for that.
One, no. Two, you might be onto something. This is the second heavenly reference of the week for me. I'm better than I thought. And I thought I was damn good.
From: Burton DeWitt
You still didn't forgive me ...
No need, my son. Gary Smith is better than I.